Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order!"

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

No news is good news:

New York:
An insurance company refused to pay off a pedestrian crossing the street (who was hit by a truck).
They claim the man was hit by a beer truck, therefore, the accident is an alcohol related accident since some of the beer fell out of the truck after it skidded to a stop and rolled over.

Dogs are smart - Leopardville :
The owner of a young pup bragged to his friends, "I asked my dog how much twelve minus twelve was and he said nothing."

Another Lawsuit - Brooklyn:
A masochist is suing the sadist for cruel and unusual punishment, including torture.
The masochist begged the sadist to hit him and the sadist refused.

News Headlines:

Funeral today was for man who got scared "half to death" - twice.

Good health is called the slowest possible rate at which to die.